Curated Critiques

Yes, I have officially become “too bored” and have let a simple passing thought take up far too many hours of my time. I used cold, hard maths to work out who I thought was the hottest dragon man from Toys For Bob’s well-received remake of the original Spyro the Dragon trilogy.

A whole fanbase collectively sighed “oh no, they’re hot” when the designs were revealed for many of the dragons you save during Spyro’s first foray into adventure, and now I’m here to officially exclaim who your dragon husbandos should be. Without further ado, here is my process:

I rated the dragons in the following criteria based on their appearance: how strong they look, how nice they look, and how cool they look. To be clear, strength is a rating of how good they would be in a fight. In addition to this, I also judged how unique their designs were and a baseline ‘hotness‘ I thought they were with just my initial reaction. The first three ratings are tallied, and then multiplied by a fraction of their uniqueness. This score is then multiplied by their hotness to give you a final fuckability rating.

I did it this way as I wanted these ratings to be based on more than just whichever dragon looks the most like some jacked up furry-bait, which would be far too easy. I feel like this way, I have a list of dragons who would be most likely to be able to give you a good time.

Without further ado: the dragons. And for reference: the further to the bottom right a dragon appears in his collage, the more fuckable he is deemed to be. Wow, what a sentence.

The Duds

These here are the dragons who simply do not tickle my pickle, as it were. These dragons mostly underperformed in many areas, and you’ll see a lot here that are quite obviously just aged, wizened dragons who ended up here through low Strength scores. Notably, Thor ended up here despite a perfect 10 in Niceness, and Lyle was deemed to be quite hot but was screwed over by being quite bland and scoring a very low on Uniqueness.

The absolute worst score went to Argus, the dragon who stands in front of the entrance to the Toasty boss world in Artisans, as he seems mean, weak and uncool. I don’t trust food critics.

The ‘Better Than Nothings’

These dragons managed to be a little bit more attractive than the ones we’ve already seen, but not by much. Dragons here generally have some average scores with some low scores bringing them down. Some of the dragons have very high scores but are brought down by looking like frail old men. Mudada is notable for having a perfect score in Niceness, and Maximos is the sole dragon from the Peace Keeper world here.

The Mediocres

Here is where things get a bit more interesting. Here is where we start to see more frequent examples of classical demarcations of attractiveness, such as barrel chests and nice hair. Notably we have quite a few dragons from the Beast Makers world here, and they tend to rate quite highly on Strength and low on Niceness, though Cleetus is here with a full 10 in Niceness as a unique outlier.

The Hotties

Every one of these dragons ranks above average on the fuckability scale. They have few scores below five and many of the dragons get scores up in the 8s, 9s and 10s. Of note here are our first 10s in Hotness in Nestor and Gavin, and the unique case of Revilo, who has two perfect scores and is only held back by a low Strength score. This is where I would start saying that these dragons are ‘fuckable’ and yes I am aware of how unhinged that sounds. You have very unique dragons here like the artistic painter, the dragon with metallic wings, and the slew of magical-looking dragons start here too. Also, the ones that are just plain hot.

Don’t judge me.

The Cream of the Crop

Okay so if you still aren’t satisfied and you want the absolute BEST dragon husband you can find, here’s where you can find him. These are the most fuckable dragons that Spyro frees during Spyro the Dragon. Here you’ll find the most manly, the most unique, the most dangerous and the most sweet looking dragons who are not brought down by any meanness, frailty or blandness.

The range of dragons up here is quite diverse, with some sort of masked trickster, a dangerous looking ninja, a clockmaker, a magician and an aquatic twink being some standouts.

So there you have it. A very embarassing list of fuckable dragons. I think my favourite would have to be Boris, though I have a soft spot for Isaak. Who’s your favourite? Comment below! Please don’t let me be alone in thinking some of these dudes are hot!